Gnorlash feels no remorse as he repeatedly stabs and completes his cold blooded murder of the pitiful creature he has ambushed. After prying the tuft of hair from the gnome’s head with his skinning knife, Gnorlash feels around in the small magister's robe pockets for valuable insignia to trade with the Frostwolf clan.
Ah! this fancy Lieutenant insignia should help loosen their grubby paws on a few of the nicer items. He lamented that these Frostwolf orcs required a ridiculous amount of kill evidence before they trusted anyone with their more finely crafted weapons.
How sweet it would be he thought, as he faded back into the shadows,
to give Leeterthanu an IQ check with a dagger made especially for lobotomies. What gnome would ever choose a name….so.. embarrassing? Gnomish naming day must’ve been quite the event for this midget.
Knowing that the blasted Stormpike spirit healers realized their pitiful scout had perished and resurrected him since his corpse vanished, Gnorlash stealthed back into the shadows of the iceblood graveyard. The gnome would not give up his solo capture attempt of the graveyard, this was the eleventh time gnorlash had single handedly killed the mage. He couldn’t wait to tell his guild all….
[glow=red]
”TIM, ARE YOU GOING TO GO TRICK OR TREATING OR NOT?!?!”[/glow]
“MOOOOOOOOMMMM!! I told you i'm not going trick or treating! I’m too old and I promised the guild I would do Onyxia tonight!”
“Tim you know that all your friends from Nickel St. are going, are you sure??”
“MOOOOM!! Go AWAY!”
” but Ms. Thumson thought it would be so nice if you could go with her son Jack…”
“JACK!? Jack Thumson?! Mom, you’re kidding! He’s the biggest dork in the whole school, he never leaves his house except to go to school and he has that weird lump in his ass pocket, the smell makes everyone think it’s a dead gerbil…the class gerbil we had back in eigth grade!”
“Timmy, now that’s just mean! If you don’t have anything nice..”
“MOM, DON’T CALL ME TIMMY! …NOW IM GETTING GANKED I HAVE TO GO!”
Kicking the door shut, Tim dashes to the keyboard and accurately threw a bag of blinding powder at the despicable gnome about to frostbolt him again. He vanishes and skulks off to hide behind a nearby hill so he can bandage. Thank the Elder Gods that the gnome was stupid enough to come to melee range to nova him as though he were a bastard hunter. Enraged by the gnome's near success, Gnorlash thoughts drifted to how much he hated being interrupted by his mom. NO! Not his mom! Tim has a mother, Gnorlash the Bloodthirsty was nigh a demonspawn from the darkest corners of Orgrimmar’s most dangerous haunts.
I rolled RP-PVP for a reason dammit! To immerse myself! Tim thought as he broke from his role-playing to take a drink of coke while the Runecloth bandage finished taking effect. He loved ganking this idiot mage, especially because of fucktard's name that broke his immersion.
Cresting the hill in stealth, he saw Leeterthanu start taking down the horde flag. Gnorlash sprinted over and repeatedly backstabbed the gnome, finishing with a devastating evisceration that would have sprayed viscera everywhere, had the graphics engine supported it. When he was finished, the gnome corpse lay as a tribute in front of the horde beacon.
Damn! he couldn’t fit any more of this gnome’s despicable tufts of hair in his bags without sacrificing something valuable. Gnorlash decided to desecrate the body with a copious amount of saliva, some foul gas, and a few slaps for good measure, looting a corpse was the best, but if you couldn’t, then humiliation was a close second. He started to play Azeroth's saddest song on a tiny imaginary violin as the Stormpike spirit healers revived their worthless ally.
The Frostwolf herald called across the battlefield that the Horde raid had assaulted the Icewing bunker and Gnorlash settled into the shadows comfortably to continue guarding the graveyard against Leeterthanu’s idiotic solo attempts...
A short while later Gnorlash was getting impatient as he refreshed the crippling poison on his daggers, noting with a grim smile the announcement that the Icewing Bunker was destroyed. Opening his map to look at the location of the smoldering bunker and horde controlled Stonehearth graveyard, just a click north, he started to get curious. The blasted gnome had not come back for attempt 13 he snickered..
[glow=red]
KNOCK KNOCK[/glow]
“MOOOM! LEAVE ME ALONE! I DON’T WANNA GET GANKED!”
“Uhhh… dude.. are you playing WoW?”
Opening the door, Tim was shocked to see his mom down the hall and impossibly between them, the perpetual shut in known as Jack Thumson. He must’ve broken some laws of physics to leave his home after the bus dropped him off thought Tim. Slightly shorter than Tim, his disheveled appearance was completed by the small oblong, everpresent asslump, looking flushed and bleary eyed as he stared at Tim with a tight, forced smile.
“Oh hi Jack, whats up?”
”Jack’s mom thought it’d be good for you two to hang out, once I told her that you play computer games too,” Jack’s mom piped in.
“Oh…”
Jack interjected a question about the bathroom into the awkward silence that followed.
“Sure, its downstairs on the left.”
As he heard the door close behind Jack, Tim hissed at his mother, “Mom! WTF?! I’m NOT going to skip Onyxia, its in 20 minutes and i still have to go to Orgrimmar to get my talisman ot get in! I really want the Bloodfang cap!”
“Tim, use proper English not computer garbage talk, and Ms. Thumson said Jack was having an….episode…. in his room and thought it’d be good for him to get out of the house so she” Tim’s mother cut off, slightly taken aback.
”UNPLUGGED THE CABLE INTERNET DAMMIT!” Jack announced as he came back up stairs, looking more angry than bleak now.
Not wanting to trigger the rest of the tirade that was building behind Jack’s now fervently indignant eyes, Tim invited him in. “Well, I mean.. I guess you can come in for a while. I’m going to kill a pretty cool looking dragon, I got a new GEForce 7800GTX and I have all graphics maxxed, so it looks leet.” Tim bragged, as his mother smiled and went outside to greet some trick or treaters.
“Leet? Ha, we’ll see if its leeter than my box, but that’d be cool. I think I heard you say it was Onyxia when I was in the bathroom?” asked Jack, suddenly in good cheer, when Tim nodded he went on, “ I’m not even keyed yet, cant find a group for Jailbreak.”
”oh, that sucks.” said Tim, sitting down at his computer, bitterly thinking that he could hardly roleplay with Jack "ass lumpy mood swinging" Thumson there…
sighing in relief that the gnome didn’t gank him, he said, “I’m going to have to afk out and get my Ony key.”
”Oh, you’re doing a BG? Nice! Looks like AV,” Jack mentioned as Tim closed the map and took control of his character again.
“yeah, im guarding the graveyard against this fucking noob mage....what?” Tim asked as Jack’s face started to flush and his face became a grimace.
”…………your character’s name is …..Ganorlash… you piece of shit.”
Taken aback, Tim was impressed by his level headed response,”It’s a silent G, pronounced NORLASH and i didn’t use the random name generator. So fuck you harder, because I’ll bet you did asshole! Now go home,” satisfied that he at least started that calmly, he was excited to realize he had a reason to throw Jack out that his mother couldn’t ignore and he could go back to role-playing Gnorlash.
“There’s one thing I cant take,” said Jack, fondling his ass lump through his back pocket, to Tim’s complete revulsion. “ and its shit rogues like you SPITTING ON ME!”
”WHAT?!? I didn’t spit on you YET! Fuck YUuuuurk….”
Tim fell to his knees and clutched his throat as a fountain of rich red blood streamed past his fingers, his windpipe separated below the pubescent larynx, he couldn’t make a noise. He saw that Jack was holding a switchblade, and there was no longer a lump on his ass…
how did that sick fuck get a knife?
As he could see shock set in behind Tim’s eyes he decided to gloat,“how’s that for stealth?! I might not have a Vis’kag but that was a better cheap shot than you could ever do! I crit eviscerated YOU pretty good, huh noob? PWNED!.” Wiping the knife on Tim’s mousepad, he pulled Tim out of the chair and replaced his ‘lump’. Opening the character tab, he browsed the equipment, ”Oh yeah… now im going to vendor all your gear, looks like 5/8 Nightstalker will bring me 50g easy. I’ll mail it to my horde alt, thanks in advance. I can almost afford to buy some arcanist bracers. "
Chuckling as he looked at Jack, "Time for a good old guild FU and a slash gquit! Ha! Poor Tim, big tough rogue should’ve gone out trick or treating huh?” Mood shifting again, Jack pulled him out of the chair, replaced the deadly 'lump' in his back pocket, and began typing the fated gquit and started looking through Gnorlashs’ bags for the hearthstone. He looked over at Tim during the channel and he asked, "How’s it feel to know you got pwned by someone leeter than u?! huh?” Even through the shock and near unconscious state Tim heard the 1337speak and realized he was looking at the most pathetic gnome and despicable human he had ever seen. Eyes closing, the last thing he thought was that he hated the run from the graveyard but ganking this fucker would be so....
Epilogue- Turns out Jack got caught for the murder. He pleaded clinically insane and got off with 50 years of intense mental therapy. His psychologist, a very practical person, pointed out that he could either blame his Chihuahua's sexual abuse
(which came to light in the therapy) or blame the video game for the insanity. And wouldn’t you know? Jack went ahead, changed his name, and launched an international campaign against the video game industry. Jack Thompson, we salute you and your psychopathic enthusiasm.
With our middle fingers held high.
-author note- the epilogue was just something funny to throw in. The real ending was the abrupt, bloody, & disturbing one, just like all of Jack Thompson's family reunions ought to be...
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